I teach people how to write. I explain that the best way (generally) to communicate with people is to write like you talk. Not how you’d talk after a few pints down the pub, but just how you’d talk to your friends. You can flex, or tweak, your tone of voice by changing who you imagine you’re speaking to. If it’s something that requires gravitas and levity, then imagine you’re talking to your boss, or a policeman, or a teacher. If it’s more of a youth audience, then imagine you’re talking to a friend (if you’re lucky and are still relatively young), or to one of your children, or to a niece or nephew. It’s not exactly rocket science (unless you’re writing copy for a scientific paper, in which case, it might be).
And whatever you do, read what you’ve written out loud before you publish it. I’ll repeat that, just in case. Read it out loud. There’s no better way to spot mistakes or problem areas than to read it out loud. If you run out of breath, or have trouble with any sentences you’ve written, then you should rewrite it. The general rule I stick to is ‘If you need to re-read it, then you need to rewrite it.’
And, while I’m having a minor rant, what is it with the US’s way of describing everything in insane detail? Sidewalk. Horseback riding. Honestly, how else would you think about riding a horse? Horsehead riding?
I could go on, but I won’t. Suffice to say that it doesn’t seem too tricky to remember an extra letter in words like colour, flavour and fuc*ing maths.

You can see the ending coming, but it’s still lovely.

And you can watch Yoda doing his stuff too.

Again, there are some lovely touches: the fact they can’t see him at the start (due to his lack of height), his jumbling up of the order of the words and him levitating the headphones in the booth.
And who wouldn’t love to be able to wave their hand nonchalantly and have all their problems disappear?
Their advertising may just have become more powerful than they can possibly imagine.

• Alte Nationalgalerie, Berlin – Germany
• Freer Gallery of Art, Smithsonian, Washington DC – USA
• The Frick Collection, NYC – USA
• Gemäldegalerie, Berlin – Germany
• The Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC – USA
• MoMA, The Museum of Modern Art, NYC – USA
• Museo Reina Sofia, Madrid – Spain
• Museo Thyssen – Bornemisza, Madrid – Spain
• Museum Kampa, Prague – Czech Republic
• National Gallery, London – UK
• Palace of Versailles – France
• Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam – The Netherlands
• The State Hermitage Museum, St Petersburg – Russia
• State Tretyakov Gallery, Moscow – Russia
• Tate Britain, London – UK
• Uffizi Gallery, Florence – Italy
• Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam – The Netherlands

The project means that you can take a virtual stroll around the galleries, in a similar manner to using Google Street View. So if it’s raining outside, or you just happen to have a little time on your hands, go for a stroll.
And if you find a piece that blows your mind, why not take a screenshot and use it as a desktop image.
This is where the headline above came from, as I’m an advocate of all things Mac.

But how cool is that? You can have your own image of a master as your screensaver. I saw this amazing piece by Chris Ofili in the Tate Britain gallery. It’s called ‘No woman, no cry’ and it’s stunning. When you first glance at it it looks like a stunning piece. But then when you use the tool to zoom in on it, you see that it’s even more amazing than that. As you can see below.

The full painting

Beautiful detail

You can also create your own collection, by saving the images you love into your own online gallery.
I wonder how long it will be before someone hosts an online gallery opening?
Some of the images are blurred, which is deliberate due to the copyright laws that govern some of the pieces. All of the images are shot in very high definition, so you can zoom into the images and create your own cropped images. Your imagination is your only limitation.

They’re talking to a number of other galleries about including them in the future. I can’t think of a better way for galleries to connect with the public and make them want to see the real thing. Hopefully more and more galleries will see the benefits and join the project.
I’m off for a stroll around The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City, right here in Edinburgh.

For legal reasons I should probably point out that you should follow copyright laws and not take the mickey.
But do take the time to explore. You won’t be disappointed.

How the government may start collecting taxes next year

Sometimes sitting on your arse claiming benefits looks like a smart move.
Why not actually tax the massive corporations? News International (The Sun, The Times, News of the World etc) have paid only a tiny amount of the tax they should pay over the last 20, or so, years.
As have countless other massive corporations.
So why are the government so reluctant to do anything?
Could it be that they’re too keen to get in with the corporations so they can line their own pockets once they’ve finished their governmental stint?
George Osborne has made some great noises about making a difference. But now that he’s in charge it’s still the little man who’s being taken for a ride and treated like a subsidiser for all the obscenely rich people in this country.
There’s a movement already started in the UK to try and force these shylock tax evaders to pay up. They’re called UK Uncut, and they’ve been targeting Philip Green’s Arcadia group (and Vodafone and others). It’s well worth spending a couple of minutes seeing just how stuffed we’re all getting as the rich get richer. Mr Green managed to avoid £285 million by paying the £1.2 billion dividend his group coughed up to his wife, who is a tax exile. Nice work, if your conscience doesn’t bother you about what you’re doing. You can read more about his immoral acts here.
Perhaps this state of affairs is best summed up by comedian Jon Richardson on the excellent Have I Got News For You. You can watch his take on Philip Green below.

Nicely put, Mr Richardson.
So remember to have a drink to celebrate on May 30th. You’ll have earnt it.

The insanity happened in a Ukrainian circus.
If it wasn’t so terrifying it would be like a role reversal Keystone Kops moment.
The lion that is being prodded (hard) by the trainer decides it’s had enough and goes for him. The trainer manages to fend off the lion (almost). Then the lion’s pals join in. And so do a number of other trainers. But the lions, magnificently, manage to round up the trainers.
Another couple of trainers outside the ring join in, using a water cannon.
All the while the people watching the circus are leaving the big top. Very quickly. After all, there’s only a flimsy-looking mesh fence between them and 250kgs of killing machine.
The trainer needed hospital treatment. Although he should probably count himself lucky to still be alive. And that he wasn’t promoted to ‘dinner’ by his charges.
There’s a reason that lions are known as the King of the jungle. And it’s not due to their renowned patience at being poked in the face with a large metal pole.
Still, I’m on the lions’ side.

Would you mess with this?

As the old proverb says: “If you play with fire, you’ll get burnt.”
Or, to paraphrase: “If you poke a lion in the face with a stick, he’ll try and rip your head off.”
And, if you know your Chewin the Fat, “Mon the lions”.

It’s footage shot from a chest-mounted camera of a bloke weaving through morning rush hour traffic in Moscow on his way to work. When you see how fast he wants to get there, you wonder what he does for a living?
Perhaps he irons the underwear of a supermodel, or is allowed to listen to the stereo belonging to the Russian President.
As a wee aside, the stereo is absolutely unbelievable. It reputedly cost £130,000. The speakers are £75,000 a pair. But, be fair, they do sound like a lot of effort has gone into them:
“The brilliant black piano finish of the M1 takes 8 weeks to apply. Each coat must be applied, left to dry thoroughly, and then sanded, coat-by-coat, until the final coat is applied and then polished to perfection. This level of artisanal workmanship is disappearing in today’s world of high-tech mass production, but it is alive and well at Daniel Hertz SA.”
I’m a big fan of music – jazz, hip hop, soul, funk, latin, reggae to name a few of my favourite genres. And I’d love to have a stereo that was even allowed in the same room as the President’s set up. But I’d love to hear his justification of spending state funds on what is, essentially, an outrageous luxury. I’d also love to stick him in a sound studio with a £1,000 stereo and his £130,000 version and see if he could tell the difference.
Anyways, back to the motorcyclist/lunatic.
Regardless of what he does, he’ll not be doing it for too much longer due to his unusual approach to riding a motorbike.
I reckon he clips a couple of cars and vans as he goes past, most noticeably at 5.32 when I think he touches a Ford Focus as he passes it. He seems to be both incredibly skillful and outrageously lucky. All it takes is one unexpected move from another driver and he’ll have a pretty shocking spill.
Still, on the plus side – he’ll only ever have one accident.
And if that’s whetted your appetite, check this out:

This one involves a car rather than a bike. It’s very early morning in Paris. And it’s eight and a bit minutes of hair-raising driving. The car just misses a bin lorry and a lady crossing the street, it passes another bin lorry with two wheels on the pavement and it takes several junctions on the wrong side of the road. Splendid.
The action is all shot from a camera mounted on the front of the car. If you’ve seen Shallow Grave you’ll have experienced the sensation of speed that action shot from this viewpoint conveys.
The film is called C’etait un rendezvous and it was shot by Claude Lelouch. You can read more about it here.
I tend to just ignore the comments below where the anoraks talk about the over-dubbing of Ferrari engine sounds over the action that was shot in a Mercedes Benz 450 SEL 6.9.
I tend to think ‘who cares?’ it still looks and sounds fantastic. It might be the most exciting 8 minutes and 40 seconds of your day.

These are not the trainers you're looking for

But on with what Nike have been up to.
The Nike advert takes the simple premise of looking at what your efforts bring, either reward or failure. So they take this very simple idea and exaggerate it. Which is a classic way to create something really strong.
So we open on Drogba bearing down on goal and then lifting a delightful chip over the advancing Italian keeper (Pellegrino, rather than Buffon). We then see a beautifully paced series of shots of lots of Ivory Coast supporters getting on their feet to celebrate the goal. Except it never hits the back of the net. Cannavaro races back and clears off the line with an overhead kick. Cut to shots of Italy going Cannavaro daft. We see him centre of attention in a revue show as the Italians idolise him.
Then the ball lands with Rooney. The game is entering the final minute and he tries to find Defoe with a pass. Ribery intercepts the pass and we see Rooney imagining his future. We see him as a groundsman, painting the centre circle onto the pitch. We see him living in a caravan and his life looks pretty bleak. Cut back to the pitch to see him chase down Ribery, slide tackle him and win the ball. Cut back to his future and we see him being knighted, the UK stock market rocketing and a whole generation of babies names Wayne.
Cut to Ronaldinho (I know, but I guess they, too, thought that he’d be going) who takes the ball in his stride and then performs a series of step-overs. Cut to see the whole world doing the step-overs, including a nice cameo from basketball superstar Kobe Bryant who scores from way downtown and then performs the ‘Ronaldinho turn’.
We then cut to see Ronaldo (the thin one) performing his skills. We then see his future as a playboy with a stadium named after him, a guest appearance in The Simpsons and a movie about him starring Gael Garcia Bernal as him. The advert finishes with Ronaldo running up to take one of his trademark free kicks. It fades to black just before he hits the ball. The strapline reads: “Write the future.”
I like it. I like it a lot. See what you think.

And Adidas have really pushed the boat out. They’ve sidled up next to Lucasfilm and pulled off a spectacular pastiche of the Cantina scene from the original Star Wars film. They’ve added a whole host of folk into the mix. First up are Daft Punk, wearing their trademark helmets and looking like they’ve always been in the scene. Next we see a quick cut of DJ Neil Armstrong on stage as the space-age clarinets are played. Then Ian Brown and Noel Gallagher, followed by Jay Baruchel and a nice little splicing of Daft Punk into a scene with Han Solo. Then Snoop makes his appearance and he doesn’t disappoint. He brings his usual streetwise up-in-your-face attitude to the party and ends up with his lightsaber drawn sorting out a couple of fools, replacing the action originally performed by Obi-Wan. Then we have Beckham being taken at blaster-point by Greedo to a table in the scene originally performed by Han Solo. Greedo tells Beckham that Jabba wants him for his team. He tells him that Jabba “saw him play a long time ago… for a galaxy far, far away.” Then Greedo gets killed by a blaster shot fired accidentally by Jay Baruchel after he’s hit on the head by a drinks coaster thrown at him by Noel Gallacher. As Imperial Stormtroopers arrive and start asking questions Beckham walks away from the table saying “It wasn’t me.”
It’s a things of beauty and it’s all tied together with the strapline “Celebrate originality”.

Looks like a score draw between Nike and Adidas. Or perhaps, on reflection, a win after a penalty shootout for Adidas.

Captain Haddock. Holds a PhD in swearing.

Recently they’ve proved that swearing when you feel pain helps you to withstand and repel the pain. I kid you not.
The research was undertaken at Keele University, after the man who led the study hit his thumb with a hammer and, thus, the idea for the study was born. In a nutshell, he got the 64 volunteers to submerge their hands in buckets of ice-cold water. On one submersion they were asked to repeat the swear word of their choice. On their other submersion they used their choice of word to describe a table. And as they cursed their way through the pain they were able to withstand it almost 50% longer than when they weren’t swearing. You can read more about the experiment here on the BBC site.

But the real proof that swearing is big and it’s also clever comes from the mouth of the genius that is Stephen Fry. I’m not sure where to start with my admiration of him. His comedy, his writing, his poetry, his ambition, his humanity. I’ll never forget the defence he felt it necessary to mount when Peter Cook died and almost every obituary talked of wasted talent and unfulfilled potential. You can watch it here.

Another advocate of advanced-level swearing

He’s a brilliant presenter, panel host, radio broadcaster and generally nice bloke. He’s someone who has a supremely-tuned brain. And here’s his fantastic defence of swearing. It’s a brilliant rebuttal of those who deem swearing to show a lowly intellect.

Watch it. And then laugh your fucking arse off.

Look - I've caught one too

The seller, a Ms Avie Woodbury from Christchurch in New Zealand, said the ghosts had been ‘captured’ in her house by an exorcist and then stored in holy water.
She said that her dog ‘went mental’ and wouldn’t go into certain rooms. She continued:
“But after a member of a local spiritualist church performed an exorcism in July last year, the house had returned to normal.”
Which, roughly translated, should read:
“But after I decided to make a quick buck, I sold the phials and a media circus appeared before the house returned to normal.”
The site that was selling them had 220,000 hits in the week leading up to the auction.
Although some of the comments show that a number of these visitors were about as convinced as I am.
One suggested that he had discovered spirits in a cupboard in his house. He thinks they’re called Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam.
Read more about the story on the BBC site here.
And then laugh yourself silly at people who should have evolved enough to separate fairytale fiction from fact.
Nurse, I think it’s time for her medication.

If you can't see it, is it still art?

There’s a story about him and his latest project on the BBC website. He’s creating four figures to be placed at the top of Alloa High Street. And they should be in place by the end of March.
The artist sounds pretty interesting, judging by his website. He’s done some outstanding work. I love his ringpull, made from hundreds of cans of Irn-Bru (Scotland’s other national drink). Have a look at his site , and see how his mind works.

The artist installing his work

In his own words, here’s what he thinks about his mirrored Perspex effect:
“It alters reality. One moment you see them and the next moment they blend in. There’s an ambiguity to it. It doesn’t answer all the questions.”
If you’re in the east of Scotland after the end of March, I’d strongly recommend a little trip to Alloa.
And if you can’t see the figures when you get there, just try looking from a different angle.