The RBS board have threatened to quit if the government stops them paying bonuses of £1.5bn to their investment arm.
So what? Let the board quit. No, encourage it even. Where else will these deluded muppets get paid shed-loads for doing the thin end of hee haw?
So let them quit and we won’t even have to give them a pay off.
Investment banking is the closest you can get to gambling, without actually visiting your local turf accountants.
We could just pop down to the local bookies and get anyone in there to come and run the bank. They’ll do as good as job as the white collared gamblers. And they’ll not expect £1.5bn in bonuses.
Alistair Darling went on to say that ‘there had to be “sufficient incentives” to ensure RBS got back onto a “proper footing”.’

Probably just sitting on his elbow somewhere

How about if you don’t do the job you’re well-paid to do we’ll get rid of you. That’s the world the rest of us live in. Imagine going into your work and telling your boss that you’ve managed to achieve the worst set of results in your company’s history. And then expecting a bonus for fixing the mess that’s already been made.
“Taking” and “the piss” are the words that spring to mind.

It is (honestly) a rope-less skipping rope. Brilliant. What’s next? The racket-less tennis match? Actually, I might patent that one.
Alternatively, you could just try using a piece of rope, at a fraction of the cost, and learn the massively complex task of jumping over the rope. Although the product came about because apparently some people have trouble jumping over a rope.
Here are what I’d describe as ‘handles’ rather than a skipping rope (or ‘jumping rope’ in US parlance).

Two handles (not fork handles)

In fact, that mention of two handles has reminded me of a piece of genius from the Two Ronnies. Watch one of their all-time great sketches here.

It’s the quotes on the site I love: “I went from a size 12 to a size 8.” OK then, Mr. Smarty Pants website, produce this person. Oh, what’s that? You can’t? I’m not surprised, as they’re clearly a figment of your imagination.
Some people reckon the whole thing is a spoof, but sadly it’s not. I’ve been to their website and gone as far as ordering a set (obviously I stopped short of paying for them, I’m not mental). I had a nosey around and found this sensational section aimed at fitness instructors. It begins with these words:
“I’m so excited and proud to be your peer liaison to one of the most effective new calorie burning fitness products on the market.” As if you needed any further proof, the phrase “peer liaison” confirms that it’s an American site.
I love the quote on the home page: “I feel like a kid again.” Why’s that? Gullible and in need of a grown-up to help you make decisions?
The Real Stories section is brilliant. Every target market segment is laid out before you (unintentionally), and some of the puns in the headlines are special. Very special. Get ready to chortle. I also love the naturalistic language used in them all. Many of the ‘different’ writers seem to like using exclamation marks and leader dots. Curious.
Still, if people are stupid enough to believe it, then they deserve to be ripped off.
Watch their whole superb video here.
Check out the room full of people all jumping without ropes at about 1 min 10 secs in.
It’s so surreal it’s like a sketch from Big Train. Kind of like this one.

My ‘Invisible Hurdle Track (Olympic Deluxe Edition)’ is available now for only £149.99. As is my ‘Imaginary High Jump’ – now with free ‘Imaginary Triple Jump’ as a special bonus, just for Christmas.
Weak-minded fools are especially welcome.

Here’s a great advert for cycle safety in the Netherlands. It shows a couple of dudes on their BMXs pulling stunts.
Then night falls and you see them switch on some mad fluorescent lights on their bikes.

Lighting up time

Then they pull some more stunts, looking pretty cool with the bikes lit up (with more than a passing nod to Tron.). They then decide to ride down the angled, sloping roof of a building that’s about 20-storeys high.

Sizing up the monster downhill challenge

And then they just go for it. At the bottom one of them lands it, the other wipes out, pretty spectacularly.

A downhill ride with a difference

He gets up straight away, so he’s fine. And then the caption appears. It’s in Dutch, but it basically says: “If you want to stand out, just put your lights on.”
Which is lovely. Watch the whole advert here.

It reminds me a bit of the Inspired Bicycles video that features a mad rider called Danny MacAskill. He lives in Edinburgh and, quite clearly, has no fear and is pretty good at his chosen sport. Which is riding a bike in a hugely unusual and massively skillful way. Prepare to be blown away by watching the film below.

And then go dig out your bike and see how you measure up.

Here’s an example of treating your customers like fools and thinking they won’t notice. Foot Locker are purveyors of sports attire in the UK. They sell clothes and trainers, but they’re probably best known for having lots of limited edition versions of fashionable sneakers.
Which leads me to the advert shown below. I’ve shown it in two forms, just to see how cheated you feel when you see the second version.

Seems like a great prize...

...until you read the small print

‘Win sneakers for life’ the headline screams.
“Great” you think.
But then you see the small print and see that they’re offering 65 pairs of trainers, over a period of five years. Which seems a bit of a con to me. Why not wrap the competition up under a different thought, or strategy? Something that doesn’t leave the audience feeling cheated when they discover what the real deal is.
Anyway, like I said, I’ve no idea how they get away with it. I can only assume that people are too busy/apathetic to bother contacting the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA). But why don’t their competitors contact them and make a complaint about an ad that clearly misleads?
The idea that “life” can be five years reminds me of a joke by a great stand-up comedian called Stewart Francis. As he says: “I’m set for life financially…as long as I die next Tuesday.” He’s fantastic at delivering one-liners in a way that has almost disappeared with the dominance of alternative comedy. See more of his great one-liners here: on health
and on family.
Genius. Unlike the thinking behind the ad above. Your customers aren’t stupid (well, not all of them) so don’t treat them as if they are. Or you might find that your shops have a life span that’s similar to the five-year one you’re promoting in your competition.